Instrumentality

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I keep thinking how incredibly happy I am to actually be using my degree. At this new job, I am so much more involved in the treatment of the kids.

I finished watching Evangelion. I'm not sure what to think yet. I'm still processing it. But I did enjoy it, and I'm glad I've seen it. I feel I have a little more credibility as an anime snob. It's not my favorite series, but I can see why people like it. Also, is there something weird in the DVD menu for Volume 8? Because it's either that or I was hallucinating last night...But I still want to watch End of Evangelion.

....The annoying Mexicans who have taken over my fiance's house are starting to make me hate Spanish. I'm sorry, but it's true. They're loud, nasty liars, and I hate them. My nerves can't take it. And they're taking advantage of him and his Mom and PISSING ME OFF.

So yes, I feel like I'm way more involved in the actual treatment of the kids I am working with now. I get to talk to them daily about their goals, and about the principles we are trying to teach them. I got to talk at length to one girl, H, yesterday about education and she was really excited about it. She said she felt inspired and we talked about different ways she could apply it to her life. I hope I can help her reach her potential.

I write you visions

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2006:
In 2006, I was talking to acoustic by night on MSN about people in exclusive (and excluding) relationships. I was dating a jerk (though I didn't know it at the time) and my friends were slowly inching away from me.
I believed too many lies. My dear little black dog was still alive. I was finding and making a new home, in a new place.
I kept things from people...important things, things that might have saved me. We talked of the difference between like and love.
I found out the jerk I was dating might have a son. That was fun. Then I found out the girl who might be pregnant with his son didn't want anything to do with him. So that was fun too. But I made cd for him for our first anniversary, and wrote him a heartfelt letter.
I was still attending a small Christian liberal-arts college. My friends and I started the joke that I might be a zombie due to my low blood pressure. My best friend was dating, and I was very happy for her. The jerk had constant migraines that terrified me. I was learning (very slowly and with many mistakes) to balance friendships and dating, and Lord of the Rings was the cool new movie. I was still getting over a 4 year unrequited crush. My grades were slowly declining.
To be continued...

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reflections

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I talked to my brother today. I haven't seen him in six months. I miss him so much. I find it hard to care that he's talking to boys on the internet. I find myself more concerned about the character of his romantic interests than their gender. I also find my lack of caring kind of...confusing. And disconcerting. It's not that I think it's okay. I still retain my personal belief that homosexuality is wrong. And he knows this. He also knows that I love him regardless. I just find it difficult to be incredibly concerned about it among so many other pressing concerns. It's not a high priority.

It was good to see my Mom yesterday too, after such an intense and long week. I felt like a little girl again. I know I've been snappy with her after having such pressure at work, but she's truly been amazing.

I am always confused by cruelty. There are times I think I am too sensitive and fragile for this world. Too weak. There are other times that I feel I am dark and twisted and capable of terrible things. I am quick to condemn. I just don't understand why anyone would want to initiate conflict and pain. I am never afraid to finish anything and can be very aggressive in defending many many things. But I hope I am never the instigator. I hope that I never create sadness and pain where previously there was none.

I'm thinking of trying therapy again. I am functional now, and by psychological standards that means there is nothing wrong with me, per se. But I feel...I could be better. I could be happier, I could be...more efficient and more productive. I need to be fixed. And I want to be. I just need to find a therapist who is better to talk to than a wall. Or the ceiling.

I should be sleeping.

I keep looking at this dress. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-beaded-silk-satin-gown/3127353?origin=category&cm_ven=Linkshare&cm_cat=partner&cm_pla=10&cm_ite=1&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-Z5L8Jmx8IWeBOvcm0rp5lg

I wish someone was online. It's 1:30 but I want to talk to someone. These are the hours that I think. Maybe it's my meds (that I forgot to take today). Maybe I would be more interesting without them. But I wouldn't be more interesting if I were dead, would I? And I don't really want to be dead. I want the chance to continue creating and learning. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to leave my mark on the world. Whether that mark takes the form of a happy little boy or a beautiful story. Or even just an engineer who thinks a little more highly of himself because of me.

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it just takes some time

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I'm trying to motivate myself to do tedious and repetitive documentation today. If I don't get it done then I can't transfer to my new job on May 1st. And then I will cry. But it has been a good week. The boys have done well and some have gotten good news about their continuing treatment. We played broom ball, which was awesome. I'm really proud of many of them, and I'm working on ways to get them involved in some sort of charity project. I think it would be great for them.

However, I'm looking forward to the new job, especially not having to drive so much. My stupid employers sent me three hours away at the last minute yesterday, only to find that the client I was supposed to pick up wasn't going to be there. Thanks for that, idiots! Did I mention that I had also been on the clock for twenty hours at this point? That has to be illegal somehow.

Mike and I are planning a date night this weekend. What with getting engaged recently, planning the wedding, and our crazy work schedules, we haven't really had a proper date in a while. I want to go out, but I don't know if either of us will have the energy. We may resort to the old dinner and a movie. I guess that's good enough.

I've been talking to people about sociopathy a lot lately...

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Identity

Identity by Danight featuring mid heel pumps

Charm green pendant, $1.99
emily dickinson quote.
Revolution Dance : The Costume Collection:Village Maiden

under the under

Read some Supernatural fanfic today. Now I'm feeling inspired to write my own story. I just wish I could find a safe community where I could post things and have someone to bounce ideas off. Maybe the TVtropes forums?

I'm tired of driving, but I found out today that I can be home for good on the 27th. Aaah, no more living out of my car and trying not to fall asleep on dark country roads. I can't wait to nest some more! I swear I will finally make my apartment a beautiful homey place. Complete with cat.

I'll be starting my new job on the 27th. I really pray that it's better. I have yet to feel, well, settled in any of the jobs that I've had. However, I do know that I enjoy working with the kids. Maybe this new place will make it easier for me to do that to the best of my ability.

The boy is on his way to pick me up for dinner. We're meeting with both our parents to work out the whole wedding budget thing. I am sooo not feeling up to this tonight. Between the staph infection, the bum knee and just general exhaustion...I just don't think I'll be at my best tonight. At least I'll get to see the boy.

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a better life

I went to the spa with my Mom for my birthday. We got manicures, pedicures, and an upper body massage. It was wonderful to spend time with her, and to feel that I am taking care of myself, especially with the toll my job takes on my body. It's good to feel like a woman again. I find myself dabbling in fashion and beauty while at the same time attempting not to be consumed by it.

I bought a new top yesterday...for a special night. It has a blue and white flower print on it...like old china dishes.

Mike and I watched Freakonomics today. I love how it also uses psychology and sociology to examine things such as crime, culture, and corruption. (See what I did there?) I love how Mike and I can have intelligent weaknesses and appreciate the strength's of one another's fields of study. This is how we complement one another. This is how we are stronger together.

We also went to the improv show last night and my suggestion for a location (Farmville) sparked a long internet game themed sketch involving the son of a Farmville farmer who wanted to leave the Farm to work as a Minesweeper. Yes, it was funny. I'm quite proud.

I'm not looking forward to having to leave again for work tonight. But I'm hoping that's going to change soon. I have the possibility for an interview soon and the position would be much closer to home. I want to stick around and play DDR and wear pretty clothes and read and go out with friends more often.

Also, I'm engaged now.

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Knowledge in Parts

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I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel which is my student loans. It's good to see, because as soon as they're paid off, I'm going to start saving for my trip to Japan. I still haven't decided whether I want to go to Hokkaido or Tokyo. My BFF Lee and I have wanted to go to Japan together since we were in middle school, so I'm really excited. I just hope I don't look like a gaijin.

I lost the book I was reading, The Ruins. It was about a million times better than the movie, but I was getting kind of bored with it. Still, I'd like to finish it. You know how most horror movies involve 'twenty minutes with jerks'? Well, this was a whole book full of jerks (and idiots), except for the hot German guy.

I miss my kitty. I hate leaving him. He is so happy every time I come home and seems so surprised every time I leave. I can't wait to be able to come home to him every night.

I have completely busted my diet this weekend. OH WELL. I'll get back to it next weekend. I can't during the week since I have to eat camp food. Mike and I will have to come up with something awesome to cook.

Joy to the World...I suppose

I got to see Gawy last night. That was fun. He accompanied me on my terrifying last-minute Wal-Mart run. I acquired presents (which were well-received) and food for Christmas dinner, including delightful ham! We discussed how spoiled we have become by citylife and how people from our hometown don't even recognize us anymore.

My Mom and I read some of our traditional Christmas story, Holly and Ivy, until I fell asleep. We'll finish it today.

Mike's a bit upset because his mom is inviting 12 virtual strangers who don't speak English to their house for Christmas day. She means well, but in her quest to save the world she doesn't really think about the needs of her family. I'm not sure she even realizes they HAVE needs. Anyway, he mentioned that he can't wait for next year, when we can have our own private family dinner. It made me think about how we might want to do our first Christmas as a couple. I need to make a list. I like lists.

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Linkspam 4

Image by youbetyourwrasse via Flickr

http://www.seriouseats.com/talk/2009/04/got-any-suggestions-for-chicken-giblets.html

http://www.walletpop.com/2010/08/10/ecosquid-helps-sell-your-used-cell-phones-for-top-dollar/?icid=main%7cnetscape%7cdl11%7clink5%7chttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.walletpop.com%252Fblog%252F2010%252F08%252F10%252Fecosquid-helps-sell-your-used-cell-phones-for-top-dollar%252F

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48075651@N05/4972054218/in/photostream/

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)

http://jeftoonportfolio.blogspot.com/

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The Infinite Sadness

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I hate it. I hate being a grown-up. I hate having guilt and feeling responsible. I want to say F*ck it and be irresponsible and not care until the bill comes. I want to be proposed to RIGHT NOW. I want to move in with my best friend. I want said best friend to not be four hours away. I want to work odd jobs and not worry about money and live like a hobo. I want to be in a garage band.

What's the plan? Well, having a plan kind of negates the whole bohemian, carefree, irresponsibility thing, doesn't it?

Oh well.

First, look into ways to further my education. Maybe a licensure program that won't require me to go back to school full-time? I really really want to avoid getting my master's if at all possible. I mean, seriously, I'm still paying off student loans.

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Linkspam 3

http://www.kitchendaily.com/recipe/fettuccine-alfredo-140886
http://www.heruniverseshop.com/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48075651@N05/4972054218/in/photostream/

http://www.sakurarose.com/index.html

http://www.truecredit.com/?enurl=truecredit.com&am=2058&loc=2400&refid=8032867-15926293

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCYg_gz4fDo

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news

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I'm royally pissed at a certain website for not taking my bank card. When I call them today, they better not tell me it's a problem with my bank, because I've used my card a million other places just fine and they need to get their shite together and stop passing the buck if they want my money.

I've been a bit oversensitive about being...wanted and needed by Mike, due to him doing something that made me extremely paranoid and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm acting like freaking Bella Swan, and I hate it. But at the same time I don't want to be some pitiful naive girl who's getting screwed over while she just...believes what she wants. Either way, I'm a loser and it feels like my heart is in a vise.

Thanksgiving has snuck up on me. I'm pretty nervous about Thanksgiving with my Dad's side of the family. They're good, loving people, but they have no sense of privacy or personal space and they're all loud and ignorant and smell like tobacco. My nerves are going to be shot.

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http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2010/oct/14/memphis-greenline-shows-how-unified-the-city-be/

http://artsandfaith.com/t100/

http://www.zoomarun.com/

http://www.golite.com/utility/faq.aspx

The End of the World as We know It

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Lots of crap has happened lately. Crap that leaves me hopeless. Crap that seems like a big deal. My apartment complex is lying and saying I didn't pay my rent for the past four months. They're summoning me to court and charging me a ridiculous amount of money. I'm in the middle of a lawsuit concerning a place that injured me. My student loans are due. The stupid HR department at my job lost my college transcript and is now threatening to suspend me without pay.

Sounds like suck, doesn't it? But I've decided that it's not the end of the world.

Things that WOULD be the end of the world:

Losing Hiko, my kitty cat
Losing my hair
Losing my mind
Losing my best friend and boyfriend of three years, Mike
Losing my brother

Linkspam

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/10/3865/

http://hsb.petfulfillment.com/productdetail.php?productid=2349

http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/thirteen-cat-shoes/2010/10/14/

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/10/the-guy-who-tries-to-fix-your-problems-when-you-make-a-prayer-request/

http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=42&t=70245

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I found out today that my class ring has been shipped back from the warranty department. Since I'm 4+ years out of high school now, it will go right into the fire-safe box, waiting some 20 odd years until little Layla (or perhaps Lucas) starts high school. Then it will belong to them, to guide them through that season.


I downloaded some new songs for my (really really old) Ipod Nano today, including some Sara Groves. I really do wish Apple was more user-friendly though. And it's not just a case of unfamiliarity, since I've been using Itunes for years now. However, it seems that every new edition becomes less intuitive.

It's nice to be home, doing laundry, cuddling the boy, and checking facebook. This job is grueling. I'm afraid that if things don't change soon, I might not be able to handle much more of it. It's just so incredibly screwed up.

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Don't drink too much coffee, kids!

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Written September 1st 2010 at 9:00 pm on a Sushi Party notepad in Starbucks.

She always said that Starbucks sucked, and that local individually owned coffee shops were better. But this is a nice place. It has soft chairs and good music and when I walked in they were talking about Led Zeppelin and The Who and Starcraft.

I love geeks.

Now the music is distracting.

Any tips on keeping up 5k training while working a crazy job in the middle of nowhere and missing your boy like crazy?

A Case of You

So I feel like the worst friend ever. My bestest best friend in the whole wide world, Lee, called me Saturday night while I was at the fair. He left a voice-mail, but I figured he just wanted to chat and I'd call him back later, when I had time to actually chat. Two days later, I finally listened to the voicemail.

Turns out his Grandpa was in the hospital. He was freaking out and crying on the voicemail. In all the 20 years I've known him, I've rarely seen or heard him cry. When my Nanny died, when my friend Zandra ditched me, when I failed a class, he was there for me. He needed me, and I was a lazy, self-centered bitch.

I did finally talk to him today. Everything is more or less okay now. His Grandpa is stable but they might have to do surgery later. I told him I'd go to the hospital with him if he wanted.

I feel like such a worthless human being.

Bah Humbug

I love it when things don't work like they're supposed to. Like trying to vacuum out the lint trap and it having no effect whatsoever. And then trying to re-attach the hose attachment to where it's supposed to go and having it just freaking fall off.

Also I am hungry like the wolf.

My hands have weird scars on them. I don't understand why I keep getting hurt in odd ways.

I seriously have to get the Laundry Monster under control. I feel like Lady Gaga except instead of the Fame Monster it is the Laundry Monster. Both of them seem to result in dressing really weird.

Kittyface is being a brat. I don't really understand it. He was really sweet after I had to be gone for two days and his Daddy came to check on him. He even slept with me every night. I think maybe he is picking up on the stress and change in the house and acting out because of that.

Ja Ne.