April 28, 2011


MAZAR-E-SHARIF, AFGHANISTAN - OCTOBER 22:   Sa...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I talked to my brother today. I haven't seen him in six months. I miss him so much. I find it hard to care that he's talking to boys on the internet. I find myself more concerned about the character of his romantic interests than their gender. I also find my lack of caring kind of...confusing. And disconcerting. It's not that I think it's okay. I still retain my personal belief that homosexuality is wrong. And he knows this. He also knows that I love him regardless. I just find it difficult to be incredibly concerned about it among so many other pressing concerns. It's not a high priority.

It was good to see my Mom yesterday too, after such an intense and long week. I felt like a little girl again. I know I've been snappy with her after having such pressure at work, but she's truly been amazing.

I am always confused by cruelty. There are times I think I am too sensitive and fragile for this world. Too weak. There are other times that I feel I am dark and twisted and capable of terrible things. I am quick to condemn. I just don't understand why anyone would want to initiate conflict and pain. I am never afraid to finish anything and can be very aggressive in defending many many things. But I hope I am never the instigator. I hope that I never create sadness and pain where previously there was none.

I'm thinking of trying therapy again. I am functional now, and by psychological standards that means there is nothing wrong with me, per se. But I feel...I could be better. I could be happier, I could be...more efficient and more productive. I need to be fixed. And I want to be. I just need to find a therapist who is better to talk to than a wall. Or the ceiling.

I should be sleeping.

I keep looking at this dress. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-beaded-silk-satin-gown/3127353?origin=category&cm_ven=Linkshare&cm_cat=partner&cm_pla=10&cm_ite=1&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-Z5L8Jmx8IWeBOvcm0rp5lg

I wish someone was online. It's 1:30 but I want to talk to someone. These are the hours that I think. Maybe it's my meds (that I forgot to take today). Maybe I would be more interesting without them. But I wouldn't be more interesting if I were dead, would I? And I don't really want to be dead. I want the chance to continue creating and learning. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to leave my mark on the world. Whether that mark takes the form of a happy little boy or a beautiful story. Or even just an engineer who thinks a little more highly of himself because of me.
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April 21, 2011

it just takes some time

Wisteria in bloomImage by Rictor Norton & David Allen via Flickr
I'm trying to motivate myself to do tedious and repetitive documentation today. If I don't get it done then I can't transfer to my new job on May 1st. And then I will cry. But it has been a good week. The boys have done well and some have gotten good news about their continuing treatment. We played broom ball, which was awesome. I'm really proud of many of them, and I'm working on ways to get them involved in some sort of charity project. I think it would be great for them.

However, I'm looking forward to the new job, especially not having to drive so much. My stupid employers sent me three hours away at the last minute yesterday, only to find that the client I was supposed to pick up wasn't going to be there. Thanks for that, idiots! Did I mention that I had also been on the clock for twenty hours at this point? That has to be illegal somehow.

Mike and I are planning a date night this weekend. What with getting engaged recently, planning the wedding, and our crazy work schedules, we haven't really had a proper date in a while. I want to go out, but I don't know if either of us will have the energy. We may resort to the old dinner and a movie. I guess that's good enough.

I've been talking to people about sociopathy a lot lately...
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April 01, 2011

under the under

Read some Supernatural fanfic today. Now I'm feeling inspired to write my own story. I just wish I could find a safe community where I could post things and have someone to bounce ideas off. Maybe the TVtropes forums?

I'm tired of driving, but I found out today that I can be home for good on the 27th. Aaah, no more living out of my car and trying not to fall asleep on dark country roads. I can't wait to nest some more! I swear I will finally make my apartment a beautiful homey place. Complete with cat.

I'll be starting my new job on the 27th. I really pray that it's better. I have yet to feel, well, settled in any of the jobs that I've had. However, I do know that I enjoy working with the kids. Maybe this new place will make it easier for me to do that to the best of my ability.

The boy is on his way to pick me up for dinner. We're meeting with both our parents to work out the whole wedding budget thing. I am sooo not feeling up to this tonight. Between the staph infection, the bum knee and just general exhaustion...I just don't think I'll be at my best tonight. At least I'll get to see the boy.
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